Suddenly I See This is What I Wanna Be

I arrived in Austin (to live here) 3 months ago, and I am going back to San Francisco tomorrow. 

I am ridiculously excited. One of my good, good friends is getting married on Saturday, and I am sooo, sooo happy for her. Like, I AM SOOO HAPPY.

My friends and I who have seen her in this relationship have been waiting for her and her man to get married for years. She is in one of the most solid, strong relationships I have ever witnessed, and I just can’t wait to bawl my eyes out because I know her wedding is going to be one of the most extraordinarily beautiful things I will ever witness or be a part of. Hands down.

I cannot even handle my face right now.

PLUS! I get to visit my old job and see the children that I adore who were the only little beings who kept me sane during the majority of my life in San Francisco. And I get to just act like a fool with people that I love. At least, that’s the plan.

At the same time, I’m going to miss it here. I’ll be gone for just a week, but in the last month there has been definite groundwork laid down for solid friendships. I had a conversation with someone yesterday, as I sat soaking up the 75 degree rays, about how– and I really think this ultimately defines my early 20s– I wanted soooo badly to be loved (and that type of love that I yearned for for some reason required being held. But not just being held for the sake of being held– it was being held by someone else so that I could hold myself together). I just had this ache and this hole in my heart that needed to be filled with some sort of intimate relationship.

And I tried– oh I so desperately tried to fill it with good people who were not-so-good-for-me after awhile. And I would drunkenly walk home on a weeknight calling my ex-boyfriend and leaving him voice messages about how fucked up everything was and asking him unanswerable questions– mostly unanswerable because the questions were so unclear due to the slurring.

I wanted to be held and loved so desperately because I thought it would cure my loneliness.

But I missed out on so much. I was missing the point. I missed out on my friends who held their tongues because they had enough faith in me to let me figure it out on my own. And I just missed out on being awesome. Because I was, but I wanted so badly to share that with someone– to the point that I let the people who missed out on it get to me. I don’t know if that makes sense right now (it IS 3 in the morning) but in short, I was a crappy version of myself. 

And earlier today I was at work, and my friend/coworker said to me, “I was worried that you were unhappy because you always say we’re weird, and I feel like San Franciscans are so sophisticated and we’re not living up to your expectations.”

And my response was, “I LOVE HOW WEIRD EVERYONE IS HERE!” And let me tell you, I think I’ve gotten weirder since I moved here. But, I honestly love how people will just say what they want and what they mean, and if they are mad, they’ll just explode into a rant that makes you want to step a few feet back from them, or if they want you, they’ll just kiss you and not play this game where they’ll ask if you want to do something else that could possibly lead to a scenario in which it would be appropriate to kiss you. And maybe I’ve just been lucky enough to stumble upon a group of people who are all still figuring it out too, but don’t care enough to hide that they’re figuring it out. They’ll just say CRAP! I DON’T KNOW! and then try to fix it, sometimes messily so, instead of trying to portray the adulthood we’re “supposed” to be portraying. 

But I love it here. I feel good. And if I want to get a shot of whisky after work, it’s not because I’ve had a long day and I feel crappy, it’s because I’ve had a long day and I want a shot of whisky after work. And I don’t feel bad about it. 

I feel like after I got here, I settled into that part of myself that needed to be loved. Like I was finally able to hold myself together and fill the hole myself. 

There’s still more I want and need to do. But that will probably always be the case. 

There are so many people in this world to love. 

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Twenty-Five Years and My Life is Still Tryin to Get Up That Great Big Hill..

Oh God! I turn 25 tomorrow. That fact PLUS the fact that I’m closing all weekend for ACL, makes me feel like this:

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But,

It’s OCTOBER, which is a glorious, beautiful month. And there is the possibility that I will be able to make rent in this weekend alone (again, I have no idea, I’ve never done ACL).. and because I work at a coffee shop that also happens to serve alcohol, I won’t be working TOO late and will get a chance to enjoy life in between working with all the kick ass people I’ve met.. life is good.

Just thinking about this 24th year of life that I’ve had and all of the extremes. This was a big year, and I’m really glad for that. I think back to my last birthday– “CrystalFest,” as I like to call it, where I was drunk the whole weekend (which is likely to happen again), but I ended up digressing in my relationships with certain people I should have been done with. I’m just really glad to be away from the environment in which I could not get away.

Here are the things I kicked off the bucket list in the last year

(note: you really don’t have to read this list. it gets kind of narcissistic because I used my planner from the year to write it, and I pretty much list every ailment and/or relationship highlight and physical exercise routine I had):

October: sang back up for Lord Nasty, got kicked out of a bar for fighting with a bartender,  ran my first muddy 5K after drinking mimosas– which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND to anyone looking for an awesome time, applied to grad school, watched the Giants win the world series AGAIN

November: I voted (I know, I’m 24, and it was the first time I voted. Forgive me for being a political late-bloomer), got bronchitis

December: saw the Lion King musical (I had been waiting for YEARS!), joined Bikram yoga cult

January: had my heart just ANNIHILATED. (This may sound dramatic, but that’s how it felt, and I think it’s okay to admit because I didn’t even know I would be that devastated. You can ask my roommate at the time. Again, on the business of mattering: there are some people that shouldn’t, but do, and sometimes you’ve gotta get kicked in the face before you stop wasting your time), quit a band, joined a church group

February: went speed-dating, joined a choir, (Oh God..) joined a dating website, celebrated the fact that I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL

March: had my last St. Patty’s Day in San Francisco =(

April: visited my dad in Florida for possibly the last time (“in FLORIDA” being the thing “last time” applies to, not “visited my dad,” as that will happen again when he finds a place to settle), took over my awesome daycare full-time, made the decision to decline admission to grad school and move to Austin

May: jumped into a this-is-my-last-chance-for-love-in-San-Francisco thingy (relationship thing? It was short-lived, but wonderful), saw Tainted Love, which inspired me to search for a cover band to join

June: was a MESS as my choir performed concerts, my grandma passed away, I went to my friend’s bridal shower, came to Austin to search for housing, had my step-grandma pass away, got treated to a farewell dinner by my lawyer, and quit my divey bar job

July: had my first ingrown toenail as I said goodbye to the wonderful city that is San Francisco, rented a Penske truck, and moved halfway across the country, had ice cream thrown at me on my first night out in Austin, ALMOST auditioned at Coyote Ugly

August: worked at a restaurant where sex appeal was the main attraction, failingly auditioned for American Idol, a show choir, and an a cappella group, frantically searched for other means of employment that involved wearing clothes

September: ever-so-gratefully enjoyed my family visiting and bring me a car so that I would not have to wilt while waiting for this city’s not-so-up-to-date metro system, started working at the wonderful coffee shop down the street from my house, started boot camp, met a nice family that trusts me enough to watch their kids, got hired to sing in a girl cover band, started hanging out with roommates, spread the ashes of another

And here I am. One year later. It’s been a pretty kick ass year. Now, I’m not proud of everything I did. In the midst of June, when I was a nervous wreck about moving and death, I got drunk quite a number of times and turned into the roommate you don’t want coming home at 2 in the morning. Which sucks because one of the things I pride myself on is my high-quality roommate rating. I also started using online dating for free meals (and to meet cool people, but the majority of the time, the guys I met were not that interesting, so the food was a perk of having to make conversation with people I immediately found to be not interesting). Again, I wore a bikini to make money. And I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of in that (part of the reason I moved to Austin is because the weather here requires less layers of clothing!), it’s a legit job and the girls who do it work hard for their money and have to deal with a lot of drunken idiots who objectify them, but it was definitely not something I liked to talk about when I first met people

Example of a conversation with me 2 months ago:

“where do you work?”

“Oh, just some restaurant downtown… it’s a sports bar..”

“which one?”

“you know.. the one on 6th street..”

“I want to re-apply to grad school” is the big goal for 25, even though I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit to another 2 years of education for a poorly-funded job field.

But then again, I SOOOOOO want to be a music teacher.

Plus, I really need to figure out how to live on Texas wages. I’m poor, but I love it here. And I knew I was going to be poor the day I applied to college and declared Creative Writing as my major, so I try to keep complaining about it to a minimum.

To sum it up, after getting past my early twenties and moving into my “new state, new slate” venture, turning twenty-five also makes me feel like this:

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