Suddenly I See This is What I Wanna Be

I arrived in Austin (to live here) 3 months ago, and I am going back to San Francisco tomorrow. 

I am ridiculously excited. One of my good, good friends is getting married on Saturday, and I am sooo, sooo happy for her. Like, I AM SOOO HAPPY.

My friends and I who have seen her in this relationship have been waiting for her and her man to get married for years. She is in one of the most solid, strong relationships I have ever witnessed, and I just can’t wait to bawl my eyes out because I know her wedding is going to be one of the most extraordinarily beautiful things I will ever witness or be a part of. Hands down.

I cannot even handle my face right now.

PLUS! I get to visit my old job and see the children that I adore who were the only little beings who kept me sane during the majority of my life in San Francisco. And I get to just act like a fool with people that I love. At least, that’s the plan.

At the same time, I’m going to miss it here. I’ll be gone for just a week, but in the last month there has been definite groundwork laid down for solid friendships. I had a conversation with someone yesterday, as I sat soaking up the 75 degree rays, about how– and I really think this ultimately defines my early 20s– I wanted soooo badly to be loved (and that type of love that I yearned for for some reason required being held. But not just being held for the sake of being held– it was being held by someone else so that I could hold myself together). I just had this ache and this hole in my heart that needed to be filled with some sort of intimate relationship.

And I tried– oh I so desperately tried to fill it with good people who were not-so-good-for-me after awhile. And I would drunkenly walk home on a weeknight calling my ex-boyfriend and leaving him voice messages about how fucked up everything was and asking him unanswerable questions– mostly unanswerable because the questions were so unclear due to the slurring.

I wanted to be held and loved so desperately because I thought it would cure my loneliness.

But I missed out on so much. I was missing the point. I missed out on my friends who held their tongues because they had enough faith in me to let me figure it out on my own. And I just missed out on being awesome. Because I was, but I wanted so badly to share that with someone– to the point that I let the people who missed out on it get to me. I don’t know if that makes sense right now (it IS 3 in the morning) but in short, I was a crappy version of myself. 

And earlier today I was at work, and my friend/coworker said to me, “I was worried that you were unhappy because you always say we’re weird, and I feel like San Franciscans are so sophisticated and we’re not living up to your expectations.”

And my response was, “I LOVE HOW WEIRD EVERYONE IS HERE!” And let me tell you, I think I’ve gotten weirder since I moved here. But, I honestly love how people will just say what they want and what they mean, and if they are mad, they’ll just explode into a rant that makes you want to step a few feet back from them, or if they want you, they’ll just kiss you and not play this game where they’ll ask if you want to do something else that could possibly lead to a scenario in which it would be appropriate to kiss you. And maybe I’ve just been lucky enough to stumble upon a group of people who are all still figuring it out too, but don’t care enough to hide that they’re figuring it out. They’ll just say CRAP! I DON’T KNOW! and then try to fix it, sometimes messily so, instead of trying to portray the adulthood we’re “supposed” to be portraying. 

But I love it here. I feel good. And if I want to get a shot of whisky after work, it’s not because I’ve had a long day and I feel crappy, it’s because I’ve had a long day and I want a shot of whisky after work. And I don’t feel bad about it. 

I feel like after I got here, I settled into that part of myself that needed to be loved. Like I was finally able to hold myself together and fill the hole myself. 

There’s still more I want and need to do. But that will probably always be the case. 

There are so many people in this world to love. 


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