When I try to explain what being twenty-five is compared to being any other age post-college, I’ve gotten to this point where I’m trying to be honest about what I want from a person when I start “dating” them, whatever the word “dating” means. It’s a gray area these days with all the technology and options and crazy schedules people have– it’s really hard to maintain anything really.
But maybe part of that is just the people I’ve found to spend time with. I really don’t think it should be this hard. I’m just tired of getting rejected. And I’m tired of messy relationships that don’t have labels. I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE and it drives me crazy sometimes when I think too hard about my bad experiences with the opposite sex over the past few years. And let me tell you, most of my experiences have been bad. I probably could have stopped some of them from happening, but hey, I’m twenty-five. I drink around people I’m attracted to. And “good people do all sorts of idiotic stuff when it comes to sex and love” (Strayed, Cheryl. Tiny Beautiful Things. 62).
The thing is, I think I’m much better at living my life when I’m not distracted by a significant other. But, I really just want someone to share my awesomeness with. I spend a lot of my free time working on things that better myself BY MYSELF, and I don’t like the idea of “owning” another person, or another person owning me. But every now and then I’ll start getting to know someone, and I think “hey… I wouldn’t mind being his.”
And there are multiple events in my life that have happened recently that make me think that maybe love and the future possibility of marriage isn’t my thing. Sharing a life with someone is terrifying. Everything you do and say and act affects them. And I’ll put it simply: if that’s something that’s successful based on the genetic code inherited from our parents, then I really should just throw in the towel now.
But I’ve had it before and it was really good. It was wonderful and I felt loved and he did too. It was short-lived for this lifetime, but it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had and I am so grateful to have had it because I really didn’t think that love like that existed until this person. And it hasn’t existed since him for me. But I still believe that I deserve it and that it exists, even though experience keeps slapping me in the face with a big fat “HELL NO, it’s not your time now Crystal.”
I still believe that great love exists for me, even though this belief has failed me time and time again.
“It’s not human to let go of love, even when it’s dead” (Sheffield, Rob. Love is a Mixtape. 189).