Just when I think it can’t get worse,I had a bad day

“It was always going to be a totally shit time.”

March is coming to an end, and with that, I’m finding myself completely lost.

The man I love is an alcoholic. When we first started dating, he had been clean for 2 years, and he was wonderful and kind and loving and affectionate. A few months into our relationship, he started to think that maybe he wasn’t an alcoholic anymore, that maybe he could drink moderately like most of the people we know, that maybe it wouldn’t completely pull everything he had worked for apart.

Nine months have gone by since he started drinking again, and I have stayed with him.

I feel like I’m losing my mind. The man I loved, who was present when we first started dating, no longer exists.

I kept thinking that maybe if I stayed, that he would remember how good things were. I kept thinking that if I scolded him and told him how awful it was when he drinks, that he would stop.

But he didn’t. He hasn’t. He’s just kept drinking and drinking, and because of that, he also started lying and not coming home when he says he’s coming home, and he’s really become just a terrible piece of scum.

I want to tell myself that it’s the alcohol that makes him awful, but he also chose it, didn’t he?

This is the first time in my life that I’ve been close to someone who is an alcoholic. I never, ever thought this would be a problem I would have to deal with. Not ever. And not with him.

It is a terrifying thing to watch the person you love deteriorate. It is slow and painful, and the thing I’ve had the hardest time accepting is that there is nothing I can do to help him.

And as much as it pains me, I think I have to leave. Because I, too, have been falling apart for months now. I stood next to him on stage and watched him through the course of a few shows become too drunk to stand up and play his guitar. Dead weight on stage, as I call it.

His eyes are always glazed over. He is an alcoholic shell of the man who once existed.

And as much as it pains me to leave, I am still so terrified that he is going to die, that he’s slowly killing himself, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel alone and scared and unable to function.

I’m trying to keep going on with my own life. There are so many things in the near future that I am looking forward to that will better who I am, and lead me toward where I want to be in life. I was hoping he would stop drinking, that it would get better, and that maybe I could share all of these wonderful things with him.

But he doesn’t exist anymore. And this is really one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. I have no place to put this love I have for who he was, I just have to hope and pray that he stops drinking, that he gets better for himself. I have to keep loving myself. I’ve realized that staying, in hopes that he’ll stop, isn’t loving myself. It is only hell.

I just want, so badly, for him to get better. My heart aches and it aches and it aches, and I can’t make it stop, I just have to feel it.


2 thoughts on “Just when I think it can’t get worse,I had a bad day

  1. Crystal, as you might maybe remember, I kinda came to the realization that I was an alcoholic about a year and a half ago. I’ve been 100% sober since I left Austin.

    I will say…it wasn’t the alcohol that made me act like a terrible person (especially to Ramsey) but it sure helped. I haven’t slammed my fists against myself or tried a little too violently to push Ramsey away, literally, so I could be alone with my self hatred.

    When I stopped drinking, the self loathing didn’t go away, but it became a lot clearer that all the things I hated myself for weren’t usually true.

    I quit, mostly, to be a better partner to Ramsey. I stay sober though, for me. But it took time to get there. And it took a few ultimatums from ram for me to finally realize what drinking would cost me.

    I’m not telling you to stick it out, because if you’re done, you have more than every right to be–but before you leave him, I think, tell him why you’re leaving, and what his alcoholism cost him. It’s the most you could possibly do, and probably the best thing for him to hear.

    Also, you might visit an alanon meeting, which is a support group for people close to alcoholics–I found it helpful in the past..before I was THE alcoholic.

    All my best to you crystal, and truly, all my love.

    • I miss you lady. I’m sorry it’s taken a long time for me to respond. I often feel exposed after posting on here, although that’s the point, isn’t it? So I avoid looking at comments for some time after posting. I shouldn’t. Your words are kind and strong, like you.
      I still struggle with wanting to be with him and leaving. There was infidelity involved. And there was snooping on my part, and I found out a lot of things that made me feel sick. I’m not proud of the snooping, of how insecure I was/am. But I am glad that it affirmed what I already knew I needed to do.
      It’s just hard to stick to it, staying away from someone who feels comfortable, and sometimes secure. Sometimes. Which isn’t enough for me.

      I hope all is well in North Carolina! Lots of love to you

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