“It was always going to be a totally shit time.”
March is coming to an end, and with that, I’m finding myself completely lost.
The man I love is an alcoholic. When we first started dating, he had been clean for 2 years, and he was wonderful and kind and loving and affectionate. A few months into our relationship, he started to think that maybe he wasn’t an alcoholic anymore, that maybe he could drink moderately like most of the people we know, that maybe it wouldn’t completely pull everything he had worked for apart.
Nine months have gone by since he started drinking again, and I have stayed with him.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. The man I loved, who was present when we first started dating, no longer exists.
I kept thinking that maybe if I stayed, that he would remember how good things were. I kept thinking that if I scolded him and told him how awful it was when he drinks, that he would stop.
But he didn’t. He hasn’t. He’s just kept drinking and drinking, and because of that, he also started lying and not coming home when he says he’s coming home, and he’s really become just a terrible piece of scum.
I want to tell myself that it’s the alcohol that makes him awful, but he also chose it, didn’t he?
This is the first time in my life that I’ve been close to someone who is an alcoholic. I never, ever thought this would be a problem I would have to deal with. Not ever. And not with him.
It is a terrifying thing to watch the person you love deteriorate. It is slow and painful, and the thing I’ve had the hardest time accepting is that there is nothing I can do to help him.
And as much as it pains me, I think I have to leave. Because I, too, have been falling apart for months now. I stood next to him on stage and watched him through the course of a few shows become too drunk to stand up and play his guitar. Dead weight on stage, as I call it.
His eyes are always glazed over. He is an alcoholic shell of the man who once existed.
And as much as it pains me to leave, I am still so terrified that he is going to die, that he’s slowly killing himself, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel alone and scared and unable to function.
I’m trying to keep going on with my own life. There are so many things in the near future that I am looking forward to that will better who I am, and lead me toward where I want to be in life. I was hoping he would stop drinking, that it would get better, and that maybe I could share all of these wonderful things with him.
But he doesn’t exist anymore. And this is really one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. I have no place to put this love I have for who he was, I just have to hope and pray that he stops drinking, that he gets better for himself. I have to keep loving myself. I’ve realized that staying, in hopes that he’ll stop, isn’t loving myself. It is only hell.
I just want, so badly, for him to get better. My heart aches and it aches and it aches, and I can’t make it stop, I just have to feel it.