About onceuponanotherjukebox

I like to dance

What it all comes down to, is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine

Well, it’s almost 4 in the morning on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

I just got home under an hour ago from a gig in San Antonio with my band. I could’ve been home by 2 AM, but, alas, we had terrible luck as the band rode into the Walmart parking lot, which is where we usually leave our cars when we have out of town gigs and then we ride in a van/rig together.

Walmart had decided on this beautiful evening to redo their black top surface. And in order to do that, they towed ALL of our cars to a location about 15 miles north of where they were parked.

Many bands I’ve played with will park at this particular Walmart– it’s right off the freeway, it’s usually near a lot where rented vans/rigs are stored. Walmart is open 24/7, so generally as long as we park our cars in a scattered manner, we generally don’t worry about getting towed.

It’s been a night. I’m going to bed. Other things have happened that I’d like to share, things that are worth diving into and probably have more impact on my life than getting towed tonight, but it feels right. So I decided to not delay it for once =)

 

 

Sweet like candy in my veins

Two nights ago, I went on a date to a vegetarian restaurant with the love of my life.

Yesterday, I had 5 of My Own Music Students play and/or sing in a recital.

Last night, I performed a full show at a private party with the band I’m in, a band that has a following.

Today, I practiced yoga, and then went to watch someone in my upline promote to a position that brings her time, money, and freedom for helping other people, in a company where personal and financial growth is not limited.

Tomorrow is the last day of my first semester of teaching aerial yoga to elementary -aged students. They are performing a routine we’ve been working on all semester.

Is this real life?

I never would have dreamed that this would be my life. I didn’t even know most of these things were things to dream for, or to want. But they’ve all happened and they make my life so full and I feel grateful and I feel love.

Christmastime is Here (Alternate title: Reflections from Phoenix Sky Harbor airport)

We’re entering the last phase of the year: the Holidays.

I spent last weekend filling in with my old band, The New Waves, doing 3 nights in 3 different cities. It was such an awesome experience to meet the new members and see how much better the guys that were there when I left, when they were “new,” have gotten So. Much. Better. I am also grateful that filling in is an option that I have when Rotel doesn’t have gigs. Band politics are a strange thing.

I’m really grateful for all of my experiences. The first few months of 2016 were so hard for me. I didn’t feel connected to myself, or the people I love the most. I learned what alcoholism is really like to live with. That was honestly one of the hardest periods of my life. What I found most difficult was separating the person I loved from the drunk who did the things that hurt me. It’s something I’m still processing, though it doesn’t consume my life like it did back then. It’s a memory of feelings that comes up at times.

But I was able to separate myself from that person, and from those feelings. And I’ve latched onto much more positive people and vibes and experiences.

I grew up so much this year. And it’s not over!!! There’s still another 5 or 6 weeks of experiences to absorb!

I spent Thanksgiving in Phoenix with my Uncle, and my dad was able to come have Thanksgiving dinner with us yesterday. It was a really good week. I don’t think I’ve ever just spent one on one time with my uncle. There is alignment there. And he actually told me that I’m one of the coolest people he knows. That’s a really cool thing to hear from someone you love.

My boyfriend told me the same thing over the weekend, after he saw me sing with The New Waves. I am so grateful and so inspired to just keep doing the things I love and be around people that I love.

My amazing boyfriend also brought up an opportunity/experience that he wants to take on with me, and it made me feel excitement and fear. More on that to come later. I’m letting it percolate for now.

When I get back to Austin in a few hours, one of my college roommates, who has been traveling the country by herself, is going to pick me up and we’re going to hang out this weekend, eat sushi, do some yoga, go be around water and go bouldering. Then I’m going to join her for a brief leg of her trip as we head to Denver to visit our wonderful college friend who is in med school.

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am! These are some of my favorite people: they are beautiful and hard-working and full of spirit and love. I am so very excited.

Here is to love, and allowing light come to you during the holiday season.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery/ None but ourselves can free our mind

I have always shied away from talking about politics. My father and I don’t share the same political views, and I’m someone who does not enjoy arguing with my parents, especially since they live so far away. I think that time spent in communication with them should be spent in a loving space.

I’m observant, and try to listen to all sides, but being the soothing and peace-making person I am, I shut out arguing. It’s not something that I do well. I like when people get along. I work with children, and I think the whole “be kind and genuine thing” helps me a lot in my particular field of work.

One of the owners of the kids yoga studio I work at sent out a text to all of her employees this morning. She said that she woke up to her 9 year old daughter saying, “Trump won. There’s terror in the world.” I responded with, “We get to keep spreading love and light. We get to choose not to let ourselves sink. There’s a lot of dark, murky water around us but we only sink if we let the darkness in. Stay afloat and spread love.”

Then I forced myself to get out of bed and drove myself to teach a music class, and I got to do the very thing I had just preached on. Someone at work said she was in a great mood.  She had gone to bed worried that she’d wake up with Hillary as our next president. This was, of course, preceded by “I’m not political, but…” And I bit my tongue. I didn’t feel anger toward her, just confusion. I swore I didn’t know anyone in Austin who was for Trump. Until this morning, and I realized I saw this person often and I genuinely like this person.

I went in and taught my class. I danced around and played drums and read books to a bunch of 4 year olds, and then we ended class by coloring pictures while listening to “Redemption Song.” After class, the same woman who told me how happy she was that Trump was president also told me that part of the reason she was in a good mood was because she knew she was going to get to see me.

Which proves my point even more: We are human first. Where we each stand politically is such a small part of our identities. It is rarely something that we talk about on a day to day basis, at least in my world. I know if someone prefers coffee or tea, beer or wine, what their favorite color is, their favorite place to travel– before I ever find out where they stand politically.

Isn’t it funny that Thanksgiving is in two weeks? It’s such a funny contrast– or, right now, it actually feels more like a test. I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my Uncle, who lives in Arizona, and my dad, who lives in Florida. I do recall Thanksgivings past, in which my dad and uncle got into it about politics and I would immediately remove myself from the table, refill my glass of sangria, and go find a book to stare at while continuing to listen. I know my uncle and I agree. And I know my dad supports Trump.

But what’s more important than that is that I get to spend Thanksgiving with them. And you know what else? My dad is a great dad. He supports me and my music and he has always just shown me support and love. A lot of fear is coming up in me that Thanksgiving will be spent in a huge argument about the election. I’m probably right. But my dad is not Trump. He just sees something in Trump that I don’t. My love for my dad has to go beyond my fear of what his opinion is. Otherwise Trump wins again.

I have so much fear. Not just about Thanksgiving. I think the past few days, most of us have been glued to our TV’s, computers, phones. Per usual, many of us can’t stop scrolling through social media. But it is gushing with words of hate and fear. Social media amplifies what we already fear.

GO DO SOMETHING. I have felt paralyzed while staring at my phone over the last few days, and while watching the election last night on my laptop, and my stomach keeps turning, but scrolling through facebook is NOT helping. Get off social media. Yes, it’s a place for us to express ourselves. But it’s also very saturated with negativity right now.

Children are listening. They’re watching us– all of us, those who won and those who feel defeated. They will learn how to react to things from us. If they see us crying and staying in bed or putting words of anger malice out, that is what they’re going to do. We’re only going to breed more hate, and nothing will change. He will have won, in more ways than he already has.

Can I just point out that it’s awesome that we had a woman RUN for president, and that she has so many supporters? Especially considering this old gem:

barkhorn_womenvoters1

Yes, this is 100 years ago. But it was also in America. We have come so far. We really have.

Nothing about this situation is permanent. Nothing ever is.

Here’s the cheese. You ready?

It starts with us. It literally starts with you and me and the people we spend our time with, and how we treat them. If you want the world to change, don’t leave it up to our leaders. Lead yourself toward greatness. Be the best you in your given circumstances.

Be a light for others. Being sad or angry about someone or something doesn’t change the fact that it happened, that it exists. Be brave, move forward. Show the people around you how to act like the bad ass civilized adult you truly are.

Act with love, not fear.

I can change the world/I will be the sunlight in your universe

It has been a long time since I’ve shared my writing here. I made room for a lot of growth this summer. It was scary and delicious. I’m a little delusional right now, I’ve had not a lot of sleep over the past few days, and I love that.

I learned from the Evolving Out Loud event that I went to to just revel in all the sensations and feelings I have: to acknowledge them and be with them, good or bad, and to just love all the things.

For example, today I had to work brunch after doing a 3 hour gig last night. I had gotten less than four hours of sleep, and to top that off, started my lady time today. I didn’t feel good, nor did I particularly want to work a full brunch shift, but I acknowledged, and also knew that that was going to be my reality today, and I love that. The people I work with are awesome, we had a solid team, and I got to make some money. I’ve had days that were much worse than today. Today actually wasn’t bad at all! My body is just achey, and I want some personal time.

I’m getting in touch with the universe, or trying to. I am excited because I will be teaching either music or yoga every afternoon this Fall. For the past 2 years, I taught maybe one day/week sometimes. Then, over the past.. roughly 6 weeks, all of these opportunities started to present themselves:

  1. About a year ago, I was reading Austin Fit magazine while waiting to get a massage, and I discovered that Kids Yoga studios existed, and not only that, but they existed right HERE in Austin, Texas. I signed up for Teacher Training, and then for aerial training a few months after that. I knew these were things that I wanted to do. And then, after months of just wishing and sending my energy in that direction, a position opened up. I start my first semester-long yoga course tomorrow. I am overjoyed.
  2. I started applying for music teaching positions after putting in my notice with Stargazer Productions that I wanted to ease out of the cover band scene, or at least doing it full time. So, back in February, I got hired at a music school here in Austin to teach a toddler class one morning a week. I spent a few months subbing for sick or out of town voice teachers, and then at the start of summer, was offered a regular teaching day. Fast forward 2 months, and this week, I have set days at all 3 locations.

I have had to turn down work this summer– either really cool gigs or teaching jobs that I wanted to do– because so many of the things that I do and have spent time practicing and cultivating started needing someone of my knowledge and energy. I am sharing this more out of awe than anything.

Kyle Cease is right: there are so many ways to make money. After his EOL event, I bought his Entrepreneurial Shift program on my way out of the event. The reason I picked that particular one is because, on top of everything else, I also decided over this summer to start my own health and wellness business through Arbonne. And it’s been such a challenge, but it’s helping me break out of my comfort zone and talk to people again. I’m also sharing all of these awesome things that I love. And I really think that a lot of these opportunities that have presented themselves are because of the people I’ve been spending my time and energy with. I really think energy is a huge thing. I believe that the energy you spend on yourself and the kind of energy you are willing to put into the people around you comes back to you.

My point being, Kyle Cease is right. On Day 1 of his Entrepreneurial program he says, “Be authentic. Let go of things that don’t align with you. You’re always measuring what you’ll lose, you can’t see what you will gain.”

And I’m sharing this now because there’s this teetering inside of me that wants to quit my service industry job. It’s something that I talk about often enough to know that it needs to be done. I have fear around quitting because basically since I graduated college– 6 years ago, I have worked at least part time in either restaurants or bars because I would always work a part time job that I DID love– whether it be with children or with music. The service industry allowed me to have disposable income. And it also brought wonderful people into my life. I’ve had a lot of really awesome moments and encounters while waiting tables, and even sometimes, bartending.

But, now all these other things are happening because I’ve made room for them. And I feel like I’m always reducing the number of shifts that I work. But now I’m teaching the things– the kinds of classes and the kinds of lessons I’ve always wanted to teach. And I’m a new teacher so the pay is a little lower than it’s going to be, and I also don’t have as many students and I know I’m capable of taking on. And my gigging calendar is pretty consistent throughout September and October. And the free time I do have, I want to spend it on growing my business and sharing my products with people because I really do love them and I believe that they can help people.

I just think that the 10-20 hours/week I currently spend waiting tables could be spent growing my business, and then I’d actually have free time for myself. I am just terrified of having to pinch pennies for awhile. The service industry provides immediate cash flow, whereas when you’re growing a business, a lot of waiting is involved. But look at everything else I wrote— the waiting is totally worth it.

I feel that I need to let go to make room for things. I’ll be letting go of immediate needs, but I can’t see what I’ll gain. I just have a taste.

I’ve been thinking about this xanga entry (when that was a thing) I wrote about three and a half years ago, when I was at a different crossroads: deciding whether or not to accept the loans that UT Austin had offered me, and move halfway across the country from San Francisco to go to grad school for music education.

I decided to decline the loan offers, but move anyway, become a Texas resident, and reapply so as to cut tuition.

It’s crazy how plans change. My energy and goal was the same: be around kids and be around music, hopefully all at the same time. I tried the grad school thing. It wasn’t right for me at the time I did it– again, because there were so many other opportunities I was taking advantage of at the same time that I was more interesting in focusing on.

Anyways, this is what I wanted to share because it makes me happy that this was and will probably always be my goal:

Tuesday April 9, 2013

Ideally, if I could tailor a job for myself, I would teach yoga to kids in a library where music is constantly played, and books and instruments and pencils are paper are available at our disposal for when our minds start to wander. But places like that don’t exist, and from what experience has taught me, if they did, they would only offer voluntary jobs.”

 

“You can taste the dishonesty/it’s all over your breath as you pass it off so cavalier/ But even that’s a test/ Constantly aware of it all”

I had a good friend once say to me, “What would Beyonce do?” when I thought I was broken-hearted over someone I didn’t really know that well.

It’s a great thing to reflect on: What WOULD Beyonce do?

She would write bad ass music and drop a video album about it.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes since the year started. I’ve quit a band I sang with for two years and joined another, which required a lot more work to learn the show, but I’m really happy that I’m doing it. I teach kids yoga sometimes. I teach kids music, more so now than I ever have.

I’m happy, and I’m also sad, and I’m angry. I usually feel all three of these things very strongly throughout the course of a day.

My best friend goes MIA for weeks, and I don’t hear from her. And when I do, she’s not really all there. The boy I dated disappeared, and then there’s all kinds of messiness and unease around that. The boy I loved went away, and he’s trying to come back, but I don’t trust who he is now. I don’t know if I ever will trust him the way I used to. I used to feel safe, and certain. Now, when I think of him, I feel insecure and unworthy of what I want.

I don’t think a girl should feel that way about the person she wants to devote her time to.

I feel sad and drained when I think about these two particular people. I struggle with wanting to support and be there for them, and also losing my own energy in the process of being there. I lose myself when I invest in people who are so far gone.

I journal a lot.

It helps a little.

I listen to music and I do yoga and I take walks outside when it’s not 100 degrees.

I watch the sun rise, and I watch it set. Sleep is not something that comes easily to me, but it really hasn’t for years. I am often alone when I turn my attention to the sun.

That’s the thing I struggle with the most: loneliness.

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it, and it’s cold and I’m stuck in a well and I can see that there’s light somewhere above me, but I want so badly for someone to help me up toward it. It’s hard to climb out of a well by yourself.

I know I’m not alone. And I know I’m not depressed. I don’t stay in bed all day at all ever. I make it a point to go outside. I make it a point to be around people. I like hearing people laugh. I like singing to people, whether I’m on stage, or in the kitchen at the back of my restaurant and I need a side of mayo to go with a customer’s burger.

I am very much alive, and I am oh so grateful for that. I am trying to find the beauty in the grief of loss. Loss of good relationships. Loss of relationships that once strengthened and healed me and held me up, pulled me up toward the sun.

There are other relationships. Other friendships. Other people that keep me going.

I refuse to run my decisions based on fear and loneliness, even though these are things I feel often lately. I had an old band mate once tell me that I can’t float, otherwise I’ll just attract other floaters: people who get distracted easily who can’t commit their energy toward one thing or person.

But I think perhaps it’s time for me to go back to floating for awhile: You can plant seeds where you want them more easily when you float. You can throw the seeds far enough away from where experience says the soil is dead.

I am running away for a week next month to go home and be with my family, and to go to a Kyle Cease convention in LA to hopefully find inspiration and hope”to move past my old stories and into a new vision of what is possible in my life.”

I am very much looking forward to it.

Until then, Beyonce, you have my full attention.

 

Wondering if you’re the same and who’s been with you/Is your heart still mine? I wanna cry sometimes/ I miss you

It’s been roughly two weeks since the breakup. The almighty, impending breakup, which felt like, for awhile, was bound to, doomed to happen.

Since then, I’ve thought of so many reasons for it NOT to happen. I wonder if this is what everyone thinks when they break up with someone.

I thought of our last day in South Padre on a band trip we went on two years ago. Everyone else was still asleep, and he was doing laundry because he was staying for another week with another band. It had been a really strange trip because there were feelings I felt that I couldn’t label yet. But it was our last morning together, and things were smoothed over between us: I remember sitting at the bar with him after our last performance the night before, and telling him that I loved him, but I didn’t think I ever would in that way. But I also knew that he deserved better than that girl he had hooked up with while we were there, which left a really awkward gap in our relationship. At least for a few days.

We were going to go out to breakfast, just the two of us, and he was doing laundry in the public hotel facility because he was staying for another week. We were walking back to our rooms from the laundry facility, when he stopped, turned to me, and said, “I know you said you aren’t drawn to me like that, but I’m still going to hope for it. Because I think you and I together would be beautiful.”

I stared back at him, and I knew he meant it. So I hugged him. It was the only fair thing I could do at the time.

About a year later, a few weeks after I changed my mind, and we had started dating, he was driving us back to his place while I had a splint on my broken arm, and we were approaching his apartment when he stopped whatever silly conversation we were having, and he said, “When I think about you and about us, I feel happiness and awe and surprise and love. You don’t judge me. And it’s amazing because it’s true: I let you go, and you came to me. You’re here now, and that’s all that matters, and it’s wonderful. You make me so happy, and I love you.”

That was the first time he’d said it like that. And I said it right back because I had absolutely no doubts about us. I was completely and wonderfully his, and he, mine.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely let go of these memories, that version of him that existed, pure and honest and true.

I am so grateful to have been loved like that, at least for awhile. I still saw glimpses of that person recently, before we cut off contact. That’s what made letting go so hard.

Truth is, I’ve needed out of this relationship for awhile. I’ve had so much anxiety since he started drinking again. And I’ve felt like I have’t fully been able to communicate with, or trust him, since he started drinking again. I cannot emphasize enough that it was the drinking that brought forward a lot of resentment and anger and fear.

I also can’t begin to explain how GOOD it was with him when we first started dating. That was the happiest I’d been in a long time, and possibly the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship.

But, I also saw so much more resentment recently. There were things he resented about my past that I couldn’t change, and instead of talking to me about them, he would drink about them. He turned my world and my reality completely upside down. Or, alcohol did. And the fear and resentment would grow when he drank. I could not do a thing to change any of the events that unfolded. I simply could not move forward with who he was when he drank. There was no room for growth. He was not the same person. He became someone else when he drank, completely.

He is a wonderful person, and I miss him everyday. I will miss him everyday for a long time.  I still have so much love in my heart for who he was, who he is still capable of being. There is a space in my heart for who he will become, if he gets sober. He is always on my mind, in my heart, and in my memory. I’m so glad I got to be his while he was at his best.